The loneliness of freedom
by notmarysue
Summary: Chell has been walking for what seems like forever. From day to night and back to day. Nothing but her own thoughts to keep her company. It would be easy enough to stop now but she can't. Not yet. It isn't far enough.


The scenery, the very little there was, seemed to endlessly repeat itself. Just the same wheat field continuing forever. No end in sight. For all Chell knew this could be it. Any other civilisation could very well be gone. It could just be here, wondering alone for the rest of her life. Drifting through the lonely wheat field. She wouldn't let herself believe that. She'd find something. Some form of life. That had always been the plan since the very first time she had woken up in That Place. There was no way she was giving up on the one idea that had given her hope.

The only thing that would ever change, the thing that confirmed time was still passing her by, was the sky. It went from blue with the blazing midday sun shining over her, to firey orange, then to crisp starry night. As she walked she had looked up into the clear night. Her eyes carefully watched the brand new blue speck above her. She could see him. She blocked out a deep stabbing feeling triggered by what he'd done to her. The way he had betrayed her. The way they had been so close, both of them, to freedom and he had ripped it away from her. It was a deep, burning anger. A feeling that had previously only been reserved for Her. She knew he was still there and she wondered if he knew she was still down there wishing the two of them had never crossed paths. Even if he did know she wondered if he'd care.

But now he was disappearing from view along with all the stars. They slowly faded as the sun peeked out from the blanket of darkness. He was gone from sight but she could still feel him starring down. Although it was stupid to think such a thing she couldn't help but feel he was looking directly at her. Even though he was all the way out there in the deep vacuum of space, his gaze was set right on her. Still mad, still full of hatred.

[I despise you]

His words echoed through her thoughts. She slammed them out of her head with the strongest mental block she could find. What did she care if he despised her? She wasn't the one floating up in space. She wasn't the one trapped in an endless vacuum.

But it was definitely beginning to feel that way. She had only stopped once since leaving and that hadn't exactly been a choice. Her legs just decided that they'd had enough of the whole experience and wanted to get to know the ground a little better. For a few minutes she had just stayed completely still. The wind gently blew around her. It was perfect. As far as she was concerned she could stay in that moment for the rest of her life. Right there forever, with no tests to solve or life threatening crisis to deal with. That was until the senses that had kept her alive so far kicked back in. They forced her back up and to start going again faster than ever. She couldn't stop yet, no matter what happened. She couldn't stop for anything. She just had to keep going.

It wasn't far enough.

So she did. She kept fighting through the pain coursed by both the testing and the long march she was now forcing herself to endure. In moments where it threatened to over whelm her she found herself using the companion cube as a giant stress ball. Clinging desperately to it as if it would some how take away the pain. Somehow it would have the power to remove everything she felt. Before the adrenaline and fear and strange, unexplainable thrill of solving a test had numbed the pain. Of course it had never been enough to get rid of it completely but it never mattered in the same way. Not until now had it been so clear, so undeniably real. She dug her fingers into it, feeling the burn marks. That was what coursed the second stabbing sensation since she left. The terrible knowledge that the burn marks were there because of her. It had helped her then just like in a small it was helping her now. Yet she had dropped it, left it there to burn so that she could continue to process. It didn't matter. After all it's just a box. It doesn't feel. It is not alive. It's just a feeling.

It isn't real

But it felt real. It felt so very real. That box was her friend. A real friend unlike that bloody traitor up in the sky. Invisible but ever present. No, this friend wouldn't hurt her, leave her or betray her. This friend had already forgiven her.

Why had She given it back anyway? Maybe it was that part of Her that still had some sort of emotion. Maybe She had finally understand the pain She had coursed and this was the closest thing to an apology that was ever going to happen. Maybe She now knew what it was like to be alone and wanted to give her someone (or something) to keep her company as she went back into the world for the first time she could remember.

Or maybe, and most probably, it was to proof a point. She could have burned that little cube to a crisp if She wanted to. She could have completely destroyed it but She hadn't. She had left it, more or less, completely fine. Something that she had never done for Her when they first properly met in Her chamber all those years ago. Giving that cube back was no act of generosity. It was a way of sending a very clear message.

[No matter what happens. No matter how bad I may seem. I will always be better than you]

The wheat continued. That's all it seemed to be. Wheat behind her, wheat in front of her. The sound of birds and what was possible a near by river kept away a deafening silence. Hours passed and she reached the fresh running stream. She took her first drink since she woke up and wondered how she had managed not to die of dehydration. The clean, crisp water ran down her dry throat. It felt like rain hitting the dry, cracked ground of a desert for the first time in years. She washed the dirt and blood from her hands and face. It was only now she saw how many tiny cuts there were as well as the big ones when her confusion had briefly coursed her testing to become sloppy. The sting they had created had forced her back awake and going full speed ahead.

The sky was changing again and she was unbelievably tired. A voice inside of her was still yelling it wasn't far enough. You thought you were safe last time and they dragged you back. But she had to rest. No one could go on for this long. As much as she wanted to believe she could deny this fact she couldn't.

The stars slowly reappeared as if they were trying to make sure the sun didn't spot them invading the sky. She leaned against her companion cube and once again found herself watching that little blue light. The blue light she knew once belonged a friend. Now it was forever tied to an enemy. The third stab came. Stronger than before. Deeper than before. Uncontrollable anger and hatred once again burnt inside her. She heard the same words as before but some how they weren't in her head. They were right there with her. It wasn't his voice either. It was a familiar. A voice she hadn't heard out loud in a very, very long time. Her own.

"I despise you"


End file.
